What it’s REALLY Like to Struggle with Infertility
If you’ve been apart of the Blossoming Mommy and Baby Community for a while now, you know that Brian and I struggled with growing our family for over 2 years. To be exact, we struggled for 2 1/2 years with infertility and ALL the emotions that come with it. Since we have SO many new Mommas around here (which BTW is SOOO exciting! Welcome to ALL of you beautiful new faces!), I thought it might be helpful to share a little bit about what one of the toughest and darkest seasons of my life has been to date. It’s never easy sharing vulnerable pieces online, but I do feel that by sharing this story, someone will be blessed, encouraged, and maybe even hopeful about her future and fertility journey.
Prior to getting married, Brian and I always KNEW we wanted children. I was healthy. Brian was healthy. So we knew “for sure” that when the time was right, we’d just get pregnant…..(or so we thought).
Before we get started…as you know, each Monday I take time to hand pick a review of the week from our podcast show because we LOOOVE our Mommas + SO appreciate you leaving an iTunes review! (Also, if you’re on the go today, be sure to listen in to today’s blog post on your podcast app: iTunes~The Blossoming Mommy and Baby Show). Thank you Jenn Soko! We LOVE YOU and are always ROOTING you on our journey!
In 2013, we had just tied the knot and I was off to finish grad school. In my mind, I logistically saw my life as a checklist.
Wedding to the man of my dreams? Check.
Getting my doctorate? Check.
Designing my dream business? Check.
Get a dog? CHECK. CHECK.
Have kids……..Check, right?
Everything else was going so smoothly in our lives, so why was “getting pregnant” not happening? To wrap a long journey up, here’s the recap of our fertility journey:
Male and Female checks
No abnormal shaped uterus
After months and months and MONTHS of checkups, exams, follow ups, the whole nine-yards, we were finally at our first trial. My hormones were really out of balance. To spare you the details, Brian and I decided with our specialist that I would go on femara. I was hesitant and scared and honestly not going to stay on the medication for long because of the potential side effects. By God’s grace, we got pregnant our FIRST ROUND! From there, our pregnancy journey and birth of Brody James has been the biggest gift and biggest eye opener of life.
Not a day goes by without me thinking about and remembering the days of infertility. I know that so many of you Mommas inside our Blossoming Mommy and Baby community have struggled with (or are currently struggling with) infertility.
Below I want to share with you 7 points of conflict that I truly felt in my heart while walking through this valley. If you are walking through your valley of infertility now, cling onto God’s hope and provision for your life. Your mountain is COMING!
It’s of no surprise that isolation is a common feeling (I think) for most women. The journey is scary and unpredictable and all you truly want is a family. What feels like a lonely journey is actually one that I learned years later was supported by friends and family and those that are going through the same walk.
Infertility is EMOTIONAL. Hormone treatments aside, the UPS and DOWNS endured every month from the two-week wait to the arrival of aunt flow- the whole month just feels like an emotional waiting game and if not careful, can zap the intimacy out of the journey REAL QUICK.
Infertility is unpredictable for EVERYONE. Before each doctor’s visit, ultra sound, or the start of our hormone treatment, I would always feel an intense bout of emotions. “Was this going to be it? What if something’s wrong? What if we can never have kids?” If you have struggled with infertility, I know those questions will ring a bell for you! Trusting that God had our journey in play and for our best interest was something I had to surrender to (and boy am I glad I did!)
You’re high. You’re low. You’re SURE this month’s going to be it… and then….it’s not. The ebb and flow of infertility has many up hills and MANY, MANY down hills. Questions and Answers. Problems and Solutions. At one point in our journey, I began to feel numb to everything. I went from trying to control the whole situation to wanting to throw in the towel and eventually SURRENDER (huge details on this surrender moment on my deck via the audio/podcast version of this blog!)
Everyone’s getting pregnant
Yep. I think we can all agree that when you’re struggling with infertility, it seems like EVERYONE around you is getting preggers. Looking back now, I think that we’re more aware of pregnancies and children, so it seems like everyone’s getting pregnant….. but regardless, it’s not any easier. Learning to celebrate and enjoy other’s pregnancies was hard and something that I think all women struggle with. We want to be happy (and we genuinely are!) for those celebrating around us, but there’s still a slight sting on the inside of our hearts.
I remember crying wet, sloppy tears for so many nights while walking through our season of infertility. The pain. The disappointment. The unanswered questions… the “why me” mentality.. it was there. BUT- I had to choose not to live there. And if you’re struggling with infertility right now, you too have to decide that this is not going to define you. That you are going to walk through your journey with an open mind and that you truly believe in your heart of hearts that God has the BEST plan for your life because friend… HE DOES.
So many options
Lastly, when you struggle with infertility, there are SO many options and SO many doctors to choose from. We absolutely loved our fertility specialist. We went with the most natural approach and had a very non-invasive process. Now, I know this isn’t possible for everyone, but what I want to encourage you with is this-try not to get overwhelmed. It’s easy to just jump to the end conclusions or what we think might happen, but in reality, could be just a simple fix. So-be open. Find a good doctor. Talk with your hubby and pray, pray, pray!
Friends, this is YOUR JOURNEY! I know infertility is hard, and messy, and EMOTIONAL… trust me, I really do remember those days but I also know what it’s like to come out on the other side. In January 2018, God blessed us with our miracle-Brody James. We surrendered our journey to Him and trusted that He knew what was best for our family.
The same goes for you! Whether you’re month 1 or year 10, just trust your process. Pray frequently and remember that your journey is going to be unique for YOU! I truly believe if God has the desire to be a Mother on your heart- there will be a way! Whether this looks like biological children, surrogacy, IVF, adoption… there are so many options! Be faithful. Remain open. Do not get bitter. TRUST. YOUR. JOURNEY.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)
You’ve got this and I’m here for you every step of the way.